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Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Chordal
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Post: #1
Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
What happened earlier tonight was that I connected my sensations of the "tastes" of energies (I have no idea what this is called in English [come on, senses of smell and taste are primary to many non-human animals]) with the soul-merging component that I've been talking about everywhere else.

The thing is that there isn't really a cute way to put the idea of absorbing different energies, some of which may be sentient. I don't really feel myself to be a vampire -- I don't seem to "drain" people. In fact I get overloaded and overstimulated when around too many people, and often try to leave those situations. And it doesn't seem to be something where I'm drawing necessary ki off the living and making them sick. It's more of an energetic awareness that I'm not sure I'd have, unless I were drawing energies close to myself. Not like an aggressive stealing of energy, or an intent to consume or cause something else death, but a quiet curiosity and ease that draws things close. And then when they get close, I start to have a sense of them that can overwhelm my own sense of self...and I'm wondering if it's because I'm absorbing their energy. (Come to think of it, this could also be why I find certain people inherently distasteful.)

This is also a realization that happened after I did a rundown of personality characteristics offline, not all of which were otherkin-related; but one of which was connected to forgetting I had a body. I know that this is related to at least one illness I carry, which so far as anyone can tell is related to a chemical deficiency; but just because it's categorized in one system doesn't mean it is meaningless in all others -- especially when that one system doesn't know the etiology of the status. (that is, they know it exists, but not how it comes into existence)

This is, specifically, not having the needs of food, sleep, hygiene, work, exercise, foremost in my mind over the course of a day; and seeing these things as work that has to be taken care of (even if I don't want to take care of it), rather than something which is integral to existence as human. Or, you know, necessarily pleasant.

That is to say, this body has needs that have to be taken care of in order for it to stay in operable condition, so that I can continue to exist in a physical manner. Which, for some reason, aren't things that really pop to the front of my mind -- in many cases it's only when things have broken down from my lack of attention, that I have seen that something's wrong. This is to the point that when my illness really became severe -- before I was diagnosed -- I was passively suicidal, meaning that I preferred the world of dreams to the world of the living, and paralleled sleep with death. I just kept sleeping, taking it as a period of dormancy, and hoping that at some point I'd eventually be rested and want to live again.

So, I don't really have an easy time keeping myself going, though I'm not sure others do. I know this may be more of a health issue than an identity issue, but I think there can be overlap.

The energetic sensitivity also ties into the plurality, for me -- because when I do come into close contact with energies that aren't my own, I still sometimes have thought them to be myself, or other versions of myself (the ancient bird-spirit vision I got from that orb, being an example). So we have some kind of possible passive-feeding type thing which is linked with my directly experiencing the states of the energies I'm coming in contact with, and mistaking those temporary states for my own identity...by virtue of their being present in my psyche. After all, at least in the U.S., it's kind of taken as granted that everything that happens in one's mind is sourced from oneself. But...that isn't necessarily the case.

The other two things that tie into this (excepting Bell's interest in Asian religions, which might well be linked to Daoism and Daoism's pursuit of immortality) are the creativity thing, and the gender identity portion. Normally, the only times I'm actually *happy* are when I'm being creative.

But then, because of the gender-identity thing, the plurality/otherkin thing, the sexual orientation thing, the illness thing, and in the past, the religion thing, I haven't been willing to risk my own feelings enough to be able to make new friends. And it's hard for me to get deep enough with the friends I do have, to feel like the friendship is worth something to me. One of them still hasn't gotten it through their head that I'm not a girl. Actually, it's likely that both of them, haven't. And I'm not "out" at work as transgender (TG) or genderqueer (GQ), largely because I'm still not certain whether I'm TG or GQ, and what steps I'm willing to take, once I've figured it out.

I mean, it's a different thing to say, "hey, I have a male core gender identity, and I want to be referred to as "he" and by *this name* from now on," and then go on to take hormones and substantiate that (as it were), than it is to say, "I really need you to know that I don't identify as a woman, and I want to be referred to as "they" and by *this name* from now on. I don't think I'm going to ever take testosterone or get surgery or a legal gender change -- but that still doesn't mean that I'm a woman." There are two different sets of strategies there: one works within the gender binary and switches sides -- there's a framework for it -- while the other challenges the baseline structure that causes people to think that men and women are real and tangible things, and that if you look like you're female, you therefore are a woman; regardless of how much you say you aren't, and that you're constantly erased and invalidated and tortured by the social structure which everyone else participates in, without thinking.

Anyhow -- creativity. Currently, this is largely being channeled into my writing and my beadwork, plus this identity stuff. But Real Life interferes with this identity stuff, or should I say being embodied does so? <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> Online it isn't so bad, because there are no physical gender cues; but offline, it's like a battleground over how I want to present, and what's possible, and what can I afford, and how long will this go on, and what am I going to do about discrimination and harassment, etc.

And of course, the gender stuff is linked to the otherkin and the plural stuff via my personal mythology: Bell could be seen in an analytical sense as my animus. He could also be seen in a literal sense as someone else who bonded with me. In any case, coming to identify as male instead of female when I was 19 was something that struck me out of left field, and it was something which I initially (at least), blamed Bell (and myself) for. I suppose that if I'd actually been conscious of myself as a boy during my first 18 years, it wouldn't have been so strange. But I have next to no awareness of gender identity issues from before sixth grade (11 years old). I mean, I know I liked to play with cars and trucks, and I know I wanted to be "Daddy" when we were playing House, and that I wanted to run around and play actively instead of playing with dolls, and that the Kindergarteners saw me as different (I was actually called "gay" early on in Kindergarten, and had no idea what it meant); but I didn't see anything particularly different or "un-girly" about that. For the most part, I really wasn't concerned with filling a role as a girl. I don't think I even knew there *was* a role to *play* as a girl.

So I'm trying to accept that the place I'm approaching this from (one where I was raised largely without gender norms, and one where all this other stuff is or can be tied in) is different from the place most other people approach this from, though I can see really striking parallels between my experience and the experiences of other TG and GQ people.

All right, I'm being told to go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I can do something more with this thread, but for now, good night...
2012-07-18 6:09
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Post: #2
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Chordal Wrote:What happened earlier tonight was that I connected my sensations of the "tastes" of energies (I have no idea what this is called in English [come on, senses of smell and taste are primary to many non-human animals]) with the soul-merging component that I've been talking about everywhere else.

I am uncertain as to how you managed this, from the wording. Would you mind going into more detail? This is something that both interests and may pertain to me.

Quote:And then when they get close, I start to have a sense of them that can overwhelm my own sense of self...and I'm wondering if it's because I'm absorbing their energy.
Quote:The energetic sensitivity also ties into the plurality, for me -- because when I do come into close contact with energies that aren't my own, I still sometimes have thought them to be myself, or other versions of myself (the ancient bird-spirit vision I got from that orb, being an example).

If my memories serve me correctly, I experienced something like this in the past. It also reminds me of psychic empathy, in which you pick up on the emotions of those around you and genuinely believe them to be your own emotions, as well. In this case, however, instead of emotions, you would be full-on adopting an identity, or an energetic signature. It could denote a lack of solidity in your own identity / energetic signature, causing it to be more susceptible to outside influence and form a sort of imprint through contact.

I do know that my own experiences with this type of phenomenon 100% stopped after my coalescence, though I am unable to point out specifically why or even if that was the primary cause.

Quote:But then, because of the gender-identity thing, the plurality/otherkin thing, the sexual orientation thing, the illness thing, and in the past, the religion thing, I haven't been willing to risk my own feelings enough to be able to make new friends.

Play games over the internet, make friends that way. It's what I did, and consistently do, thanks largely in part to my own gender issues. If you go out and try to actively make friends, you're just pushing it too hard, in my opinion. I don't even understand why one would consider friends necessary in the first place; they are fairly useful, to be certain, but not so necessary as to worry about a lack thereof.


~~~

I can empathize with your gender ambiguity and the issues surrounding it as such; if it weren't for my coalescence, I would probably still be experiencing the same turmoil, as well (and still do, just to a lesser extent...). The biggest difference, I feel, is that I had an "inkling" from a very young age and simply denied and repressed it. In fact, it is something that consistently presses doubt on the genuinity of my first multiple (and, by extension, all those afterward); it was female in a period of time that I was experiencing physical pain and discomfort at being male, lending to the possibility that is simply a mental construct of "myself" owing to great stress and a buckling psyche.

I didn't even admit my own gender problems until it didn't matter. Coalesced, I'm largely Gender Neutral / Nondescript, leaving me uninterested in the sex of my corporeal form. It was only after awaking from a dream, deadened by a sudden sense of sorrow and loss and the thought "That's right... I'm a man, it was just a dream..." that I acknowledged it, and that happened fairly recently (within the past year?).

~~~
2012-07-18 11:02
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Post: #3
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:What happened earlier tonight was that I connected my sensations of the "tastes" of energies (I have no idea what this is called in English [come on, senses of smell and taste are primary to many non-human animals]) with the soul-merging component that I've been talking about everywhere else.
I am uncertain as to how you managed this, from the wording. Would you mind going into more detail? This is something that both interests and may pertain to me.
The "taste" component to sensing energy is something that has been floating around in my mind for a pretty long time. This is to the point that, a good time ago, I actually had to forcibly stop myself from visualizing engulfing things near me, in the manner of a snake. (Like, jaw unhinging, mouth engulfing, soft "sensation" in the throat.)

I thought this might have had something to do with a Snake totem, and I suppose it's possible because I do have a Rattlesnake stone fetish, and I have come to recognize that the various activated fetishes that I have (three at last count), largely actually have had an effect on me. For example, being creative to the extent of letting everything else fall away during a period when I was feeding a Rabbit fetish...the two variables I only connected, years after the fact. And then there's the fetish that broke the morning after I dreamt of it breaking, stuff like this. And, right, the fact that I've envisioned the Rattlesnake being carried within me as a protector (this has happened when I've had to deal with people who make me uncomfortable -- the venom aspect [i.e. the fact that I have a self-defense if I need it, and don't need to strike unless provoked, and can warn before striking] is something which has made me more tolerant).

Since I've stopped the visualizations, though, they (the visualizations) haven't recurred for a while. I stopped them because it was pretty disturbing to be doing nothing and then it's like I start swallowing something nearby that I think is "living"; in my sense of the term, inclusive of discorporeals. When it's happened with people, it's even more disturbing, as I don't intend to consume people I care about, and I end up having to choke up whatever I'm visualizing eating. I don't really know what would happen if I let the visualization run its course, but I've been scared to do so.

I don't ever really intend to start these visualizations, they just happen.

I guess it's kind of like the person I knew in high school who bought a baby boa constrictor as a pet, and it was only about 7" long, but on the day she brought it to show to everyone, it tried to eat her pinky. I don't think it was out of any feeling of hostility; just that eating is what snakes do. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I mean, it couldn't have even really been logical, more, "hey, this is warm and soft and smells good and tastes good and will fit in my mouth." Until you reach the knuckle. Right. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> I'm not sure that (like human children and sticking everything in their mouth) it's really on the level of being aware of itself. (But it did freak the person out. <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin -->)

The "taste" aspect is both from having the juncture of Rattlesnake, which...I'm not entirely sure I can clearly remember, and the kind of feeling that I've termed "clairsentience," before. But I don't know if I'd really characterize this "sense" as "just knowing" something about someone else -- at least, not most of the time. It's more of a, heh, a flavor that I get from them. So there are distinct traits that are different from each other, in the way that things taste different. It isn't a "spectrum" type thing, with one higher and one lower, or better or worse, or anything. It's just a sense that I get from someone when I'm focusing on or engaging them. If there are more than one, I have to shift focus over and over depending on who's speaking to me, or who I'm looking at. (It could be why I've worked best in a one-on-one scenario.) Most of the time it's fine, sometimes it's just offensive, sometimes it feels dangerous (in the two cancer cases I've run across).

The soul-merging may be that I have indistinct outer borders which tend to mix with surrounding energies, and whatever I mix with, I "taste" and experience, from one end or another. What it's bringing to mind is ki extension -- the way people are said to extend their "energy" towards things they are about to take hold of, let's say. This is in the way where you see something that you want to pick up and extend your hand towards it before you can even touch it, anticipating taking it. I've gotten to the point where I can "feel" the ki extension going on here that I was taught about in martial arts. So when I'm talking to someone else, I feel my ki is extending towards them, and that I'm interacting with them on a nonphysical level, which includes getting a "smell" or "taste" of their unique energy. Like how a snake can lift scent or taste particles from the air (the senses being related) and smell them without physically touching what's giving off the smell. I don't think the others who interact with me really notice this, either.

Does any of this help?

Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:And then when they get close, I start to have a sense of them that can overwhelm my own sense of self...and I'm wondering if it's because I'm absorbing their energy.
Chordal Wrote:The energetic sensitivity also ties into the plurality, for me -- because when I do come into close contact with energies that aren't my own, I still sometimes have thought them to be myself, or other versions of myself (the ancient bird-spirit vision I got from that orb, being an example).
If my memories serve me correctly, I experienced something like this in the past. It also reminds me of psychic empathy, in which you pick up on the emotions of those around you and genuinely believe them to be your own emotions, as well. In this case, however, instead of emotions, you would be full-on adopting an identity, or an energetic signature. It could denote a lack of solidity in your own identity / energetic signature, causing it to be more susceptible to outside influence and form a sort of imprint through contact.
Lack of solidity, or malleability. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> Thanks. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I was also thinking of empathy, but I'm not primarily an emotional person. What it feels like is that I synchronize with beings around me, and I don't entirely realize how much I've synchronized until I'm around entirely different people, at which time I re-synchronize. At least this happens when I have neutral-to-positive feelings about the peer group. When I reject them, it's a different thing entirely.

Rain Wrote:
Chordal Wrote:But then, because of the gender-identity thing, the plurality/otherkin thing, the sexual orientation thing, the illness thing, and in the past, the religion thing, I haven't been willing to risk my own feelings enough to be able to make new friends.
Play games over the internet, make friends that way. It's what I did, and consistently do, thanks largely in part to my own gender issues. If you go out and try to actively make friends, you're just pushing it too hard, in my opinion. I don't even understand why one would consider friends necessary in the first place; they are fairly useful, to be certain, but not so necessary as to worry about a lack thereof.
I do realize that I need not to be going all like, "I need more friends! Will you be my friend?" <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin --> Ehm. But I don't socialize much, and I'm thinking that right now the poor state of the non-work "friendships" I do have, is discouraging me from making connections with people who might actually understand me. I'm also thinking that my lack of lust for life is related in part, to isolation. Of course, it probably means I'll end up with my financial needs met, because right now a lot of my energy is going into building my career. The problem is what happens when I have to depend on myself to take care of myself; and what happens, if I can't do it alone. It would be best to have a support system already in place.

Rain Wrote:I can empathize with your gender ambiguity and the issues surrounding it as such; if it weren't for my coalescence, I would probably still be experiencing the same turmoil, as well (and still do, just to a lesser extent...). The biggest difference, I feel, is that I had an "inkling" from a very young age and simply denied and repressed it. In fact, it is something that consistently presses doubt on the genuinity of my first multiple (and, by extension, all those afterward); it was female in a period of time that I was experiencing physical pain and discomfort at being male, lending to the possibility that is simply a mental construct of "myself" owing to great stress and a buckling psyche.
Thanks for mentioning this. It does pain me to hear you speak about yourself "buckling" (as you state), so much. I'm not in your shoes, so I don't know if it would be more accurate, but a lot of times I've resorted to the term, "coping." It indicates struggle, but also doing what has to be done to keep yourself and (hopefully) others safe. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Rain Wrote:I didn't even admit my own gender problems until it didn't matter. Coalesced, I'm largely Gender Neutral / Nondescript, leaving me uninterested in the sex of my corporeal form. It was only after awaking from a dream, deadened by a sudden sense of sorrow and loss and the thought "That's right... I'm a man, it was just a dream..." that I acknowledged it, and that happened fairly recently (within the past year?).
Which reminds me of the dream I had last night...I was some kind of "person" (I don't think I was human, I do think I was masculine) in an alternate universe (maybe after-death or before-life) where I was in a lottery to determine where my regiment would be stationed. When the answer came up, a lot of guys were (vocally) disappointed. So I found myself in this place where I didn't want to be, on the front line guarding the outer walls of a castle, and locked out from the interior. (parallels being fringe, when gender-variant people are sacrificed to protect the gender binary?) I was depressed, pretty much waiting to be slaughtered, and sat down next to a large guy who handed me a small tablet computer which had a "draw" function on it. There was a picture of a very simple landscape at the top. I don't think he spoke my language (on recall I'm reminded of someone I know who is deaf and speaks through interpreters), but he was directing me to mix the colors that I was drawing with. I started coloring the sky a dark blue and stars appeared; then I -- read? -- that the designers of this world would take my designs into account in future versions.

<!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> This clarified for me why I seem to be happy when I'm being creative...because the world as it is, is not easy for me to tolerate. But when I'm able to give input as to how it might be in the future, or change a little bit of how it is now, based on my own design; it makes me happier.

I know I didn't touch on your dream, I kind of got carried off on my own.

For me, I know, it's tough to want to be something that you aren't...but then sometimes that has to be looked at and questioned. I mean, in the past I've wanted to be a woman. Then I did a social experiment and realized that when I was in a group of women, I made the group heterogeneous -- same sex, multiple genders. And I found that when I tried to think of myself as a woman, it was really painful...and it was painful because I was denying who I was in order to crush myself into a box that everyone around me in that group was comfortable with, but which I had to...if you'll excuse the allusion, cut my toes off to make the shoe fit. I was trying to crush myself into the "woman" box for the sake of social intelligibility, but I found that even if I did that and succeeded in having others recognize me as the gender I was attempting to portray, they still would not have any clue as to who I was underneath that facade. That is, I'd still be unknown, and on top of that I'd be made into an agent working towards my own closetedness and invisibility. For the sake of what -- so others could remain comfortable in their ignorance? For me, it was like trying to go back into the closet, to myself (as people say that the first person anyone has to "come out" to, in regard to gender and sexuality, at least, is themselves).

It was at that point that I realized that I was not and could not be cisgendered (that is, assigned female at birth + woman [or in the case of the other type, assigned male at birth + man]). But, that doesn't in itself mean that I'm a man.

It's not really easy to be gender-variant (which term I'm using to encompass transgender, genderqueer and gender-variant types -- I know it's not standard), but if you are, there's either the road of being yourself or trying to be someone else. Neither are easy, and knowing who you are when there are so many things (internal and external) working against your finding out who you actually are, becomes basically really hard work, in itself.
2012-07-19 5:20
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Post: #4
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Chordal Wrote:...I don't intend to consume people I care about, and I end up having to choke up whatever I'm visualizing eating. I don't really know what would happen if I let the visualization run its course, but I've been scared to do so.

You never know. Perhaps, deep down, you actually *do* wish to "consume" people you care about, and the visualization is simply a reflection of that desire / subconscious action. I'm not putting too much stock into that possibility, I'm just pointing it out.

Quote:It's more of a, heh, a flavor that I get from them. So there are distinct traits that are different from each other, in the way that things taste different. It isn't a "spectrum" type thing, with one higher and one lower, or better or worse, or anything. It's just a sense that I get from someone when I'm focusing on or engaging them.


I largely experience other energies through "taste", as well, which is why I asked for more details to begin with. That being said, when I first became sensitive to energy and started "tasting" it, I chalked it up to simply the nature at which I view energy "as something to consume". I was told that not everybody experiences energy in the same way, and that having the mind apply said experience to the sense of "taste" may simply be how they, as a person, are inclined to experience it. In short, ya, your snake visualization may be why you are experiencing it in such a way, or it may simply be that it's your natural inclination.

Quote:I've gotten to the point where I can "feel" the ki extension going on here that I was taught about in martial arts.


Oh? Do they teach that in Martial Arts? Makes me regret not pursuing that interest more diligently.

Quote:So when I'm talking to someone else, I feel my ki is extending towards them, and that I'm interacting with them on a nonphysical level, which includes getting a "smell" or "taste" of their unique energy. Like how a snake can lift scent or taste particles from the air (the senses being related) and smell them without physically touching what's giving off the smell. I don't think the others who interact with me really notice this, either.

Does any of this help?

Yep. It's similar, but also different from myself. Thank you for the clarification.

Quote:I was also thinking of empathy, but I'm not primarily an emotional person.

You do not need to be an "emotional" person to be psychically empathic. In fact, it is most likely easier for you to be overwhelmed with foreign emotions when you don't have your own emotions to focus or act upon. If emotions were color, and your emotional state a canvas, then a lack of emotion could be considered a blank canvas, on which foreign colors are most easily seen, even if arguably small in scope.

Quote:What it feels like is that I synchronize with beings around me, and I don't entirely realize how much I've synchronized until I'm around entirely different people, at which time I re-synchronize. At least this happens when I have neutral-to-positive feelings about the peer group. When I reject them, it's a different thing entirely.

Sounds pretty normal, to be honest, just that you're picking up on it or are more sensitive to it than most. It personally frustrated me to no end in the past, and I still have issues with it in certain circumstances.

Quote:It would be best to have a support system already in place.

Useful. Go for it. I don't personally believe that it is wholly necessary for people to "understand" you, but I also understand that others may feel differently.

Quote:I'm not in your shoes, so I don't know if it would be more accurate, but a lot of times I've resorted to the term, "coping." It indicates struggle, but also doing what has to be done to keep yourself and (hopefully) others safe. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

There's more details in my very first introduction thread, but there was a lot more going on at the time than simply gender confusion. I would say I "buckled", especially as it was not at all a conscious decision.

Quote: <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> This clarified for me why I seem to be happy when I'm being creative...because the world as it is, is not easy for me to tolerate. But when I'm able to give input as to how it might be in the future, or change a little bit of how it is now, based on my own design; it makes me happier.

I think this is more important than any other "memories" or what-have-you that you supposedly got from the dream, or what kind of interpretation you can apply to it. Applying the "sacrifice of the non-conformists to save those that conform" meaning to the dream, in particular, is a bit of a stretch. Ultimately, the "meaning" or "truth" of a dream means next to nothing in comparison to what it is you take away from it.

~~~
2012-07-19 6:38
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Post: #5
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
whoa, a post! <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

I've really come a long way from the post which started this thread. I can also see the utility in cutting these things down so that they're easier to respond to. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> I'm like, "what was I talking about?!?!" <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

I'm not totally sure I need to go over the gender identity portion of this, other than to say that I am leaning more genderqueer than transsexual, these days, and it's both been something consistent (in retrospect), and not something I expect to change. (Often, transsexual people refer to themselves as transgender, and transgender is used as an umbrella term as well -- at times encompassing genderqueer -- which is why I used the term "transsexual" above.) That is, I don't fit cleanly into either a "man" or "woman" box, and I'm not going to, even if I do physically transition.

I'm not sure whether my current thoughts on the otherkin variable go here, or in another thread; but this is titled as my "what the $%&@ am I," thread, so it seems fitting. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

As I mentioned in a different thread, here, toward the bottom of the page:

<!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://forum.otherkinphenomena.org/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2012">viewtopic.php?f=13&t=2012</a><!-- l -->

...I've got some stock, as it were, in being some aquatic type of snake/fish-like thing, which would explain the "eating things whole" thing, and the "smell/taste" thing, and also apparently the beauty thing (paired with masculinity) and the gender-bendy thing...which would not be a gender-bendy thing, in that projected species. I've tried to draw some of this out, but it's been so long since I've drawn anything realistically, that it's not too easy, especially where illustrative poses (and torqued planes of fins) come into play. I do wonder about this serpentine thing, though...if there's something that links those who envision themselves as serpents? And if people who envision themselves as serpents are more likely to identify with or as demons (hey, at least my society doesn't like reptiles; we have the Garden of Eden thing which can cause some confusion, etc.)?

What I'd been thinking of is similar to a sea snake, but with fins; the fins having venomous spines (bringing my "venomous" aspect into play)...which would probably put me squarely into some kind of fish territory, especially with the gender-shifting aspect (females becoming males when there aren't enough "suitable" males). I have no idea how this form breathes, though...through gills or a respiratory system. I've just resorted to an air-breathing design in my drawings (nostrils), because I can't place the gills. If they're there, they're pretty far back, near the pectoral fins. (It's also possible that the "nostrils" are scent-related.)

Part of what led me to this is the repeated aspect of being in dreams and flying with just very small figure-8 movements of the hands and arms...which could be perceived underwater, if the wings were fins and one was trying to hover/maintain depth/move slowly. Another large part of this is the repeated usage of water metaphors in "teaching" visions that I've had. They can be referenced here:

<!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://forum.otherkinphenomena.org/viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1997&p=33630&hilit=depth+visualization#p33630">viewtopic.php?f=40&t=1997&p=33630&hilit=depth+visualization#p33630</a><!-- l -->

and here:

<!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://forum.otherkinphenomena.org/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1995&p=33628&hilit=depth+visualization#p33628">viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1995&p=33628&hilit=depth+visualization#p33628</a><!-- l -->

I believe we can call this awesome, now. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_lol.gif" alt=":lol:" title="Laughing" /><!-- s:lol: --> What I've seen has never been murky water; it's been clear, tropical, blue, warm seawater; probably around coral reefs. And I get the sense that this was a very long time ago; the species is likely an ancestor of current species, or similarly ancient (warm-water seas). This species is definitely predatory as well; deceptively fast when the tail is employed.

A lot of this is Logos, though. Well, Logos paired with visions. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> And fragmentary clues. I don't think it's something that I particularly *want* to be, more than something that seems to make sense, given the situation. When other people came to find their own kintypes, here, were they something that just seemed to make sense, or something that "chimed clear" (as someone in here is saying)? Was there more of a strong affinity, like *desiring* to be something; as versus "if that's what I am, it's OK;" and "that's why I'm like that!?"

I should probably not make this a novel. <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt=";)" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->
2013-01-06 4:17
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Post: #6
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Chordal Wrote:When other people came to find their own kintypes, here, were they something that just seemed to make sense, or something that "chimed clear" (as someone in here is saying)? Was there more of a strong affinity, like *desiring* to be something; as versus "if that's what I am, it's OK;" and "that's why I'm like that!?"

For me at least, the conclusion of what I am wasn't necessarily what I wanted to be, if given the choice. I'm happy with identifying as a seawolf, whatever that actually is, but at times I think it would be cooler or better to be something else. Not much I can do about it, so I'm content with what I am in the end either way.

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2013-01-07 14:02
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Post: #7
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Do you think it's possible for me to be daemonkin and have taken on (or created) multiple forms?

I'm thinking of the water-draconic form at this point (bat-like fins that can be fluttered or arched to slowly swim or stabilize, butterfly-like crests on the back with trailing spires [used for breathing underwater and mating display], long sinuous tail for cruising, s-shaped neck, snakelike head), but also about how much of it seems created. I am taking my own creativity into account here -- that just because my mind created it, that doesn't mean it's true. This is just one of those things that I've learned from being so creative that it's actually dangerous for me to wholeheartedly believe everything I think.

I was not aware of being identified with dragons from way back -- I've identified more with birds, actually (which would make sense if dragons were an extrapolated form from dinosaur fossils, and birds are present-day dinosaurs). It's taken me a little bit of time, but I can separate out the form of the teal orb (which is also draconic or dinosaurlike) from the form I describe above. I am concerned about taking any of this too literally, though -- even though I know that this form actually makes things make more sense.

Then, it would seem to make sense why I have a crystal collection, and bought a "Dragon" Abby Willowroot wand (which doesn't conduct energy for me -- I've tried -- probably its element [Fire] doesn't match mine, or it is relatively lacking in soul), and am fascinated with minerals for jewelry. Plus there is an identification with water, my several water visions, my flying dreams, my synching very well with an Alder wand. I wouldn't say that my nature was chaotic, so much as creative -- in the sense of drawing up treasures from the depths (the "depths" being the unconscious, as noted in the Depth vision linked above). I never really thought of myself as draconic before, even though I do have all this stuff in accord (in addition to my focus on beauty while also being masculine, even though not physically male).

I'm uncertain at this point whether I am dragonkin who was just blinded to being dragonkin because of the flashiness of being daemonkin, or if I'm daemonkin and have created a form which is draconic. I lean towards the former at this time (and would not mind if this thread were moved into the Dragon subforum), but I'm guessing that at least with no outside help, only time will tell...
2013-01-11 4:53
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Post: #8
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Chordal Wrote:Do you think it's possible for me to be daemonkin and have taken on (or created) multiple forms?

Absolutely. It's also just as possible that you are a dragon and have created multiple forms as well, or else just have multiple forms as a dragon. Although from what I know, demonkin are more likely to have shapeshifting, and thus multiple forms, than dragons are.

The best advice I can offer you is to not over-think your otherkin identity. Try meditation and looking inside yourself to see how you feel. Analyze the feelings and see where that leads you.

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2013-01-11 15:06
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Post: #9
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
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Thanks *^_^*
2013-01-12 2:54
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Post: #10
Re: Chordal's "what the $%&@ am I" thread
Okay,

So I'm probably spending too much time online as versus doing things that don't require silicon (like meditating >_<), but I was doing one of the things which comes more easily to me earlier tonight, and one which doesn't come quite as easily, anymore -- writing and drawing. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> I don't yet have an image host that I know how to work, so I've just started to do this retro (art supplies and paper). Someone had asked me about the draconic form I described, so earlier tonight I drew it out. It's much less exciting once it's down on paper, <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> just looks like an animal that could have existed or may someday exist.

After I'd drawn that, I went back and drew an image of someone who could have been in my comics, back in the time when I wanted to be a comics artist. This is basically a form which is recognizable as a demon (being horned and digitigrade or unguligrade), but really strongly diverges from the hateful stuff. I probably shouldn't say exactly what this looks like, because I might actually do something public with these images if I keep at it. But my demons tend to be, basically, really nice-looking. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue --> I wouldn't say that they're satyrs -- they're more chimeras of several different species, plus some made up stuff. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

What I found with the draconic form is that I was having to reach inward to define parts that I wasn't sure about. What I came up with, it looked nice, but I didn't have a strong attachment to it. What I found about the demon drawing is that it made me feel really good to draw a nice demon. I guess you could say I identified with it -- which, I guess, is the point of all this? The thing is, what I see to be a demon, and what I find other people around me see as demons, are really different things.

I guess I've never really tried to define what a demon is, though. Is it as futile as trying to define what a person is? I just see them to be beings in certain bodies and within a certain society. I still recall wanting to play a demon on an online RPG and having everyone else assume that I had no life and would be out to attack them for no reason. I'm like, "you're not that important. My life does not revolve around you. Really." Which I'm not sure anyone actually understood...

So basically...and I'm excluding demons like from the Enochian, Goetia, and Dukante hierarchies here, because they seem to be different types of beings...basically (within my writing and comics), I'm looking at something which is a form which just maintains a higher emotionality, and more of a tendency to be edgy; with less restrictions, especially around violence and gender and sexuality. Also their bodies express both masculinity and femininity, and in the past they've had "magical" qualities (such as the ability to enter and manipulate dreams). They're just more "wild" than humans -- not any more inherently "evil" than a tiger. Just vital, and surpassing human boundaries. (I think I heard something recently about how humans had "domesticated" themselves?)

If I look at myself, I see this powerful creative ability which is trying to find a voice after having been shunted off for a long time. And I guess that's what I wanted to find; that's why I decided not to do Library school this semester. I needed to see if I would be happier being more creative, which I basically had no time to do while in classes. And classes are about to start up again -- for me this is an art class, now -- I need to look into internships in the Publishing industry, but also I have little idea of what kind of job I'll be able to find to tide me over until I can be permanently hired in the Publishing industry. I know service jobs are plentiful; I also know that I don't want to be in a service job. Hm.

A relative said something to me about my wanting to work at a local produce market: that it's a good place to shop, but not a good place to work. Maybe it's like that with the library. Good to use, not good at which to work.

I should probably get to work on something -- some form of prose writing -- that is creative in nature. I've had an idea come to me within the last month, I think, of how to freshen a story that's been lingering in my mind for years. I can look back over my notes and try and get started.

But yes; the other part of that...is that maybe I'm just attuned to Water energy. For, you know, no particular reason. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt=":)" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> If I were demonkin, I'm guessing an elemental affinity would not be unheard of, even though I'm only taking the religious stuff loosely.

All right, why don't I get to bed, now? *^_^* Any comments would be welcome...

P.S. One other thing: I'm getting back into the identity stuff now because I know that when I become creative, I have to let some barriers down, and my identity can be...destabilized when I do so. I don't know what to do about this, though, or if I should do anything about it. Basically what happens is that what's inside comes out, and sometimes it's not well-received...
2013-01-13 7:47
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