Back to the Beginning

Bah... this is probably going to sound odd, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I've tried several times, dozens of times, to get this identity thing right. Something is holding me back. Somewhere there are limits I have to get rid of in order to move forward at all. My old names, old personas and notions of who or what I might be. I can't tell anymore whether they were shaped by actual things within or things I picked up during the endless turmoil that has been the past few years. It's been like being sent through a kiln, only the result has been inverse to a kiln's purpose.

So I've come to the point where it all just gives me a headache to think about how it all could unify and fit together. There are those who expect me to appear as one thing and then others who expect another. What I know is it has been a time of so much change that the person who entered one community may not be the same as the one who joined another, yet they all must act as if they didn't change in many cases, or somehow consolidate the old and the new together as one. It is a nerve wracking hassle I'm coming to believe was never necessary, and has in fact been in the long term harmful.

So here I sit at my computer at 2-o-clock in the morning, trying to figure out exactly how to become myself, everywhere, and keep it that way. How does one abandon a persona if they're being chained down by its confines? How does one change a reflection of who one use to be, into who one is? Surely as the clock ticks I want to carry the baggage of my past concepts of identity no longer. I want to take them to the proverbial beach and chuck them back into the sea they came from.

From this point forward I want to confidently state I know very little if anything about myself. The others details are just random dredgings from the mind of a writer who had yet to find his pen. My mythos is nil, a blank slate upon which I will attempt to build myself, correctly this time. I got lost along the way the first time, but I've now come full circle and stand at the starting point again, wiser. I don't know where I'm going, and have only intuition and a moral compass to guide me along the way. But hopefully, this time, I'll find a way.

That concludes my slightly long winded way of saying, 'Screw it, I've got no idea what the he** I'm thinking anymore. I wanna start over.'

And so I am. I don't know what I am and am not going to make any assumptions about it until it jumps out and bites me in the rear. The few things left standing are dozens of dreams, and those phantom ears on top of my head. I'm left also with a somewhat still shaky philosophy of life, and a spark of spirituality which wasn't there with much presence before.

Where does one start, to reliably figure out these things..?

Just my own opinion on this one, the first step is to stop having an attachment to the idea of trying to figure out your identity. The past is well and good to know, but I find that it is not all that important. Rather, if you want something reliable, you want it without the influences and desires of your conscious and subconscious mind. Then, I figure, the first step would be to stop wanting to find the identity. If that makes sense.

Selcar Wrote:Just my own opinion on this one, the first step is to stop having an attachment to the idea of trying to figure out your identity. The past is well and good to know, but I find that it is not all that important. Rather, if you want something reliable, you want it without the influences and desires of your conscious and subconscious mind. Then, I figure, the first step would be to stop wanting to find the identity. If that makes sense.

I've just stopped caring about finding out my identity. The problem with trying to do it is by the time I'd figure something out, it wouldn't be true anymore. I can't find me because I am me, and it doesn't make sense to raise questions on those terms. It'd be like trying to figure out the number 9's marital status.

Logical investigation only works on things which aren't constantly in a state of flux/change. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s -->

Maybe stop trying to find you all together? Maybe the more you gaze into the universe the more you'll see in reflection?

Good luck.

Stepping back from a frustrating conundrum and then coming back to it later with a new perspective and clear of most frustrations can sometimes help in a matter of this sort. It's harder to figure something out when one gets worked up about how they can't.

TheFrogsPrincess Wrote:Maybe stop trying to find you all together? Maybe the more you gaze into the universe the more you'll see in reflection?

That's what I've been trying to say. Why do I need to find me when I'm already here? I'm just gonna change again in 5 minutes anyway. <!-- s --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- s --> I was working to find me because I need a point of reference at which to gaze into the universe. 'What does this look like it is and why do I see it that way?' ... Because I was under the impression there was right and wrong in identity (OKA was going through that phase at the time) I became rather perfectionist, as I'm prone to do in any situation which insists on absolutes. So in looking for me, I actually lost me.

But I came back (Thanks to the crows) and can say my head is much clearer when I'm actually in it. XD