Back to the Beginning
Bah... this is probably going to sound odd, but I'm going to say it anyway.
I've tried several times, dozens of times, to get this identity thing right. Something is holding me back. Somewhere there are limits I have to get rid of in order to move forward at all. My old names, old personas and notions of who or what I might be. I can't tell anymore whether they were shaped by actual things within or things I picked up during the endless turmoil that has been the past few years. It's been like being sent through a kiln, only the result has been inverse to a kiln's purpose.
So I've come to the point where it all just gives me a headache to think about how it all could unify and fit together. There are those who expect me to appear as one thing and then others who expect another. What I know is it has been a time of so much change that the person who entered one community may not be the same as the one who joined another, yet they all must act as if they didn't change in many cases, or somehow consolidate the old and the new together as one. It is a nerve wracking hassle I'm coming to believe was never necessary, and has in fact been in the long term harmful.
So here I sit at my computer at 2-o-clock in the morning, trying to figure out exactly how to become myself, everywhere, and keep it that way. How does one abandon a persona if they're being chained down by its confines? How does one change a reflection of who one use to be, into who one is? Surely as the clock ticks I want to carry the baggage of my past concepts of identity no longer. I want to take them to the proverbial beach and chuck them back into the sea they came from.
From this point forward I want to confidently state I know very little if anything about myself. The others details are just random dredgings from the mind of a writer who had yet to find his pen. My mythos is nil, a blank slate upon which I will attempt to build myself, correctly this time. I got lost along the way the first time, but I've now come full circle and stand at the starting point again, wiser. I don't know where I'm going, and have only intuition and a moral compass to guide me along the way. But hopefully, this time, I'll find a way.
That concludes my slightly long winded way of saying, 'Screw it, I've got no idea what the he** I'm thinking anymore. I wanna start over.'
And so I am. I don't know what I am and am not going to make any assumptions about it until it jumps out and bites me in the rear. The few things left standing are dozens of dreams, and those phantom ears on top of my head. I'm left also with a somewhat still shaky philosophy of life, and a spark of spirituality which wasn't there with much presence before.
Where does one start, to reliably figure out these things..?