*Longpost is loooong. And possibly rambling, too.*
So, I'll start from the beginning - which was around October 2007, when I started noting changes.
Periodically, and regardless of which environment I was in (home/school/anywhere), I would find complete personality changes in myself; particularly when in the company of peers regardless whether or not I was part of any discussion. I would become quite serious, cynical at times, I'd think a lot more as opposed to speak, and when I did speak my tone was much lower. I also had the oddest feeling of not being female, either, and thinking that 'genderless' or 'male' fit me better in these states of mind. (Later on as the months came, I'd also get 'disorientated' to add to the list.) If I woke like this in the morning, I would wear unisex clothing such as old fleeces, hats, non-fitted jeans, neutral colours.
Whenever I came back to being 'female' me, I'd be completely different, going back to wearing the normal 'cute' girlish clothes and being modestly cheerful. I soon tried to dismiss those changes as normal, as I'd been bullied for four years in high-school and had over time subconsciously built up a non-emotional, non-caring 'defense' whenever this happened. Nevertheless, I started keeping notes on how I felt at these points, as I was not being bullied or intimidated like I was in any way at this college. Yes, a couple of the ex-high school kids would be snarky towards me when they were bored, but as I'd be in this state it'd fly over my head and I'd just fix them with a 'WTF' glare before slouching off. I also would not remember many specific details of being 'male' me when back to 'female' me. Nothing to the point of serious memory loss, but more like how two hours go in a blur and you only remember so much of it.
I was more stumped at the feeling of 'changed gender'. I understand that all people have female-sides and male-sides; but I didn't expect it to completely take over my train of thought or my personality. So, I decided to carry on taking notes and actually doing research into it.
Over the past months, this went on. I'd found that:
[*] Male-me (as I called him then) was homosexual (liked only guys) and didn't have a lot of interest in girls. Female-me is bisexual.
[*] Male-me had different likes/dislikes, including sense of humour. I was more likely to laugh at cartoons and other silly good-natured things while 'female-me' was active, 'male-me' found adult humour a lot funnier and found the good-natured, squeaky-clean humour 'pathetic'.
[*] Male-me learns differently, mainly through visual learning. For example, in Art, female-me is more likely to touch a still-life object to get a feel of the texture, male-me stares at it close-up and moves my head to look at it in different lights to get texture.
[*] Female-me is easier to get on with and is more tolerant of others. Male-me is fine with people close to me, but, for example, if a random person cut across my/his speech I/he'd snap at them to be quiet or any other way to make the displeasure known.
[*] Female-me was ALWAYS present during male-me's action, although she had next to no say. This caused quite a bit of disorientation and confusion, and a few days ago both female and male actually clashed during a 'transition'. It wasn't pleasant at all; I couldn't keep my balance too well, could not speak one coherent sentence, and kept hearing random words like 'bat' and 'bed'.
[*] Female-me does not black out. It tends to be: "female me, male me unconscious", "female me with male me silent but observing", or "male me fronting and female me silent but observing (and often confused as heck, like she's been shoved out)".
Chronology is everywhere in this post.
I'd secretly given him a name about a month or so ago - a favourite male name of mine, Blake. It was a lot better to use than 'male-me' or 'him in there', and the latter terms seeme less emotional or attached. I hoped that using the name Blake would help create a feeling of familiarity. Female-me retains my nickname - as some of you may know - Lishie.
I did a meditation. I wanted to speak to Blake, if he was a separate entity. It took me a long while to get into it, but eventually I walked down a long path, strayed from the path into a forest, and the first thing I saw was a boy, leaning against a tree. Something immediately started resonating, as I noticed his basic appearance - auburn hair, tanned skin, quite a bit taller. He'd placed his hand on my shoulder and spoke in a low voice. He refused to tell me how he came about, although he spoke about my times in high school and how I'd had to slowly retreat behind a shell. The meditation ended soon after, and I'd felt even more confused than in the beginning. After encouragement from Chris, I'd decided to speak to my Psychology teacher.
My LJ Wrote:So I asked my Psychology teacher (not naming names! I described it instead) and she said it was perfectly possible for a person to have a male and a female side. When I went into more depth and described how the male had a different sexuality as well as a different attitude towards peers and likes/dislikes, and the dominant female-side is present but with a lot less input, she said that sounded a little more complex than just 'male side and female side'.
I was scared to go into more detail. I'm not subtle, and I didn't want her thinking that instead of a scenario, it was me. O_O
From what I can think, Blake possibly formed from a split (or something to that effect) from my core person 'Lishie', maybe to deal with what happened in high school, or to prevent anything in college. The purpose, I am still not sure about, but that explanation seems to fit right with me.
*looks back at LJ* ... and that seems to be it. However, in honour of Questions Month, I am posting not only to let other people know about this 'self-discovery', but also to try and answer questions you may have, as it will aid me/both of us greatly.
Anyway, it's taken quite a lot of courage to post something this ... personal. ^^;
~ Lishie [and Blake, too, although right now he has little input. ^^;]