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A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
momo
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Post: #1
A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
*Longpost is loooong. And possibly rambling, too.*

So, I'll start from the beginning - which was around October 2007, when I started noting changes.

Periodically, and regardless of which environment I was in (home/school/anywhere), I would find complete personality changes in myself; particularly when in the company of peers regardless whether or not I was part of any discussion. I would become quite serious, cynical at times, I'd think a lot more as opposed to speak, and when I did speak my tone was much lower. I also had the oddest feeling of not being female, either, and thinking that 'genderless' or 'male' fit me better in these states of mind. (Later on as the months came, I'd also get 'disorientated' to add to the list.) If I woke like this in the morning, I would wear unisex clothing such as old fleeces, hats, non-fitted jeans, neutral colours.

Whenever I came back to being 'female' me, I'd be completely different, going back to wearing the normal 'cute' girlish clothes and being modestly cheerful. I soon tried to dismiss those changes as normal, as I'd been bullied for four years in high-school and had over time subconsciously built up a non-emotional, non-caring 'defense' whenever this happened. Nevertheless, I started keeping notes on how I felt at these points, as I was not being bullied or intimidated like I was in any way at this college. Yes, a couple of the ex-high school kids would be snarky towards me when they were bored, but as I'd be in this state it'd fly over my head and I'd just fix them with a 'WTF' glare before slouching off. I also would not remember many specific details of being 'male' me when back to 'female' me. Nothing to the point of serious memory loss, but more like how two hours go in a blur and you only remember so much of it.

I was more stumped at the feeling of 'changed gender'. I understand that all people have female-sides and male-sides; but I didn't expect it to completely take over my train of thought or my personality. So, I decided to carry on taking notes and actually doing research into it.

Over the past months, this went on. I'd found that:
[*] Male-me (as I called him then) was homosexual (liked only guys) and didn't have a lot of interest in girls. Female-me is bisexual.
[*] Male-me had different likes/dislikes, including sense of humour. I was more likely to laugh at cartoons and other silly good-natured things while 'female-me' was active, 'male-me' found adult humour a lot funnier and found the good-natured, squeaky-clean humour 'pathetic'.
[*] Male-me learns differently, mainly through visual learning. For example, in Art, female-me is more likely to touch a still-life object to get a feel of the texture, male-me stares at it close-up and moves my head to look at it in different lights to get texture.
[*] Female-me is easier to get on with and is more tolerant of others. Male-me is fine with people close to me, but, for example, if a random person cut across my/his speech I/he'd snap at them to be quiet or any other way to make the displeasure known.
[*] Female-me was ALWAYS present during male-me's action, although she had next to no say. This caused quite a bit of disorientation and confusion, and a few days ago both female and male actually clashed during a 'transition'. It wasn't pleasant at all; I couldn't keep my balance too well, could not speak one coherent sentence, and kept hearing random words like 'bat' and 'bed'.
[*] Female-me does not black out. It tends to be: "female me, male me unconscious", "female me with male me silent but observing", or "male me fronting and female me silent but observing (and often confused as heck, like she's been shoved out)".

Chronology is everywhere in this post.

I'd secretly given him a name about a month or so ago - a favourite male name of mine, Blake. It was a lot better to use than 'male-me' or 'him in there', and the latter terms seeme less emotional or attached. I hoped that using the name Blake would help create a feeling of familiarity. Female-me retains my nickname - as some of you may know - Lishie.

I did a meditation. I wanted to speak to Blake, if he was a separate entity. It took me a long while to get into it, but eventually I walked down a long path, strayed from the path into a forest, and the first thing I saw was a boy, leaning against a tree. Something immediately started resonating, as I noticed his basic appearance - auburn hair, tanned skin, quite a bit taller. He'd placed his hand on my shoulder and spoke in a low voice. He refused to tell me how he came about, although he spoke about my times in high school and how I'd had to slowly retreat behind a shell. The meditation ended soon after, and I'd felt even more confused than in the beginning. After encouragement from Chris, I'd decided to speak to my Psychology teacher.

My LJ Wrote:So I asked my Psychology teacher (not naming names! I described it instead) and she said it was perfectly possible for a person to have a male and a female side. When I went into more depth and described how the male had a different sexuality as well as a different attitude towards peers and likes/dislikes, and the dominant female-side is present but with a lot less input, she said that sounded a little more complex than just 'male side and female side'.

I was scared to go into more detail. I'm not subtle, and I didn't want her thinking that instead of a scenario, it was me. O_O

From what I can think, Blake possibly formed from a split (or something to that effect) from my core person 'Lishie', maybe to deal with what happened in high school, or to prevent anything in college. The purpose, I am still not sure about, but that explanation seems to fit right with me.

*looks back at LJ* ... and that seems to be it. However, in honour of Questions Month, I am posting not only to let other people know about this 'self-discovery', but also to try and answer questions you may have, as it will aid me/both of us greatly.


Anyway, it's taken quite a lot of courage to post something this ... personal. ^^;

~ Lishie [and Blake, too, although right now he has little input. ^^;]

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2008-03-08 21:28
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Post: #2
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
What's Question's Month?

Some of your interactions with Blake are quite similar to mine with my "other half", in terms of fronting, sexuality, confusion as to whether it is a separate person or just a different side of you. (Mine has a very different attitude, lifts a lot more weight than I do, and got banned from eating because of his habit of consuming enough chocolate to make me physically sick and then going to sleep <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->)

The other interesting thing is when he appeared - which I think you said was during a pretty traumatic time in high school. Do you think it is possible that he is an aspect of you that gained prominence in order to help you deal with this, or that the trauma just allowed a pre-existing person to speak out?

Ubi Dubium, Ibi Libertas

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2008-03-08 22:11
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Post: #3
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
Archer Wrote:What's Question's Month?

The month of March is also Questions Month, I think. ^^ It's been going around LJ quite a bit.

Archer Wrote:The other interesting thing is when he appeared - which I think you said was during a pretty traumatic time in high school. Do you think it is possible that he is an aspect of you that gained prominence in order to help you deal with this, or that the trauma just allowed a pre-existing person to speak out?

Both are very possible; unfortunately I don't know enough about it yet to give a confident answer. I'm more inclined to go with Blake's origin as being an aspect of me that came forward to help me out, but I'm not completely sure of that yet. If Blake was an aspect of me originally that grew to help me deal with it, he developed differently to how I did throughout adolescence (which I find really interesting, if this happened, seeing as we vary in likes/dislikes and sexuality) and that's a definite possibility.

When I was a toddler, I would regularly speak of 'wanting to be a boy' and was extremely introverted. I remember being a shy kid and reading books as opposed to playing on a climbing-frame screaming with other kids, but I remember nothing of saying I wanted to be male (it was my parents who'd told me I'd said that stuff) so it is also possible that Blake could have been there from the start.

Thanks for the questions, they make me think. <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin -->

Thanks to Elinox for the banner!
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2008-03-08 22:24
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Post: #4
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
momo Wrote:
Archer Wrote:What's Question's Month?

The month of March is also Questions Month, I think. ^^ It's been going around LJ quite a bit.

No, I'm wondering what is not, not which month <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

Quote:When I was a toddler, I would regularly speak of 'wanting to be a boy' and was extremely introverted. I remember being a shy kid and reading books as opposed to playing on a climbing-frame screaming with other kids, but I remember nothing of saying I wanted to be male (it was my parents who'd told me I'd said that stuff) so it is also possible that Blake could have been there from the start.

That doesn't necessarily mean Blake was there from the start, it could simply mean that a male-female duality was with you from the start.

Ubi Dubium, Ibi Libertas

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2008-03-08 22:37
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Post: #5
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
Archer Wrote:That doesn't necessarily mean Blake was there from the start, it could simply mean that a male-female duality was with you from the start.

Also, another possibility. <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

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2008-03-08 22:48
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Post: #6
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
Archer Wrote:No, I'm wondering what is not, not which month <!-- sTongue --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_razz.gif" alt=":P" title="Razz" /><!-- sTongue -->

Questions Month simply refers to people being encouraged to ask questions to learn about someone. I have no idea why it happens to be March of this year or if it's always in March. It's just a popular thing on LJ right now. *shrug*

And Momo, congrats for having the courage to share this! *hugs* Also, do you think Blake is more of a multiple/walkin or just another aspect of your personality? I was a bit confused as to what he's identifying as. Please keep us posted on your progress!

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2008-03-10 14:56
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Post: #7
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
Elinox Wrote:And Momo, congrats for having the courage to share this! *hugs* Also, do you think Blake is more of a multiple/walkin or just another aspect of your personality? I was a bit confused as to what he's identifying as.

My best answer: I think he was a possible split from the core, from what was a part of me; so yes, he does possess personality features that I'd shown particularly as a young girl. What I think makes him separate is the different sexuality and gender, different ways of thinking/learning, and the strange confusion/disorientation Lishie gets while Blake fronts. This could have been due to separate development as a personality, but as I'm not quite sure when he came about (I'd noticed properly October last year; but thinking back, there could have been evidence of him being there a lot earlier) I'm not 100% on that.

Thanks for your question! *hughug*

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2008-03-10 15:17
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Post: #8
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
momo Wrote:When I was a toddler, I would regularly speak of 'wanting to be a boy' and was extremely introverted. I remember being a shy kid and reading books as opposed to playing on a climbing-frame screaming with other kids, but I remember nothing of saying I wanted to be male (it was my parents who'd told me I'd said that stuff) so it is also possible that Blake could have been there from the start.

I don't think this is related to the situation. Children don't really have a sense of gender, and young boys will often want to be a girl from their favorite TV show, and visa-versa.
2008-03-10 16:07
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Post: #9
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
Littlechris Wrote:Children don't really have a sense of gender...

That isn't true.

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2008-03-10 18:54
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Post: #10
Re: A self-discovery I made, over a period of five months
Malakoi Wrote:
Littlechris Wrote:Children don't really have a sense of gender...

That isn't true.

It isn't always true. Could you elaborate more please?

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2008-03-10 19:00
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